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One of her lecturers had said to always be suspicious of simple answers to complex questions. If a shell lets nothing out, how can you be sure if it's full or empty? But she didn't want to think that. There was too much of him for it to be empty and guilt was too easy an answer. And if he did decide "yes" that would be it and her life would have changed, and if she ever wanted the old one back it would be a hell of a difficult job. They were approaching another landmark and her mother was pointing it out nostalgically. She began to wonder what she'd do if he did say "Game On". That would be so risky. Or if he didn't. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to bear that.As I walked up Castellana the next morning, I felt better than I had any right to. Maybe I was healing; maybe it was the pleasure of being out and about; maybe, guiltily, it was because I was going to be by myself for two weeks. Maybe it's because you're not dead. Anita had brought me breakfast and stayed to keep me company,. She convinced herself that she did so that when everything went pear-shaped she hung on to that and persuaded herself that she had been a bad mother. She never was." I'm sure of that." Thank God she recovered sufficient spirit to deal effectively with the bastard when Annette came to her but she still lived with the self-deception that she had loved him up to the day before." That's what she told me." I'll bet. It's still a safety net. She said that every time she convinced herself that she had done the right thing there was a little nagging voice at the back of her mind..." Not any more. I sorted her out on that one when she told me the story." Well done you! Anyway she got better and better over the last nine months but was still reclusive. That day we met you was the first time for years that I saw her sense of fun poking through again and I didn't want it dashed by some strange man. I'm sorry I was such a killjoy." I don't blame you, Liz. Not one little bit. Don't worry about her.
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